I started my blogs on my depression, not to dwell on the misery of being in the depths of this horrible soul sucking place, but to find a way out. To try and find the positives and focus on them instead. The suicidal thoughts that drove me to my doctor, terrified me, not so much the thoughts of the world being a better place without me, but the casualness and ease in which they entered my head, and of how these thoughts could overwhelm me and become all consuming.
The antidepressant side effects are still there, some are easing and some are showing no signs of abating, but I’ve found two positives to being on them. One, Twin Peaks reruns are starting to make a whole lot of sense, and two my favourite piano piece ‘Moonlight Sonata’ has taken on a calmer more sedate feel, more like how the piece show feel, probably a result of the sluggishness, but the result being, my mind calms as I play and I get lost in the music and the beautiful simplicity of the piece. I had to give up my lessons because of financial restraints and it sadly came at a time when staying with them would have been a godsend for me.
Valentines Day has just passed and anyone close to me, knows I’m not a fan, but that’s not always been the case. As a young woman, Valentines Day spoke to the romantic in me, and I still have a romantic side, it’s just well hidden and out of practice. The cards and flowers I longed for, the secret admirers, the power of young emotions. Perhaps Valentines Day is for young lovers and certainly as I’ve aged I’ve become a little cynical of the day, but I think the truth of my apathy are of a more personal nature. For one day the world is in love, and it passes me by.
This year however I got two Valentines, one from an old boyfriend/old friend from my teens, someone I recently reconnected with through Facebook and the other from my friend and Piano teacher, and asking me to return to my lessons, free of charge, just to keep my spirits up. Maybe they’re not declarations of undying love, but the love and kindness of friends will do just as well. And for the first time in so long my tears weren’t of overwhelming sadness.