The Observations and Obsessions of a Superego's Sidekick

angels

In Memory of My Father

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 Edward Roy Cawdell

15/10/1938-9/8/2000

“I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye, that was the trouble; I wanted to kiss you goodnight.  And there’s a lot of difference.” ~ Ernest Hemingway.

Fourteen years have gone since your passing.  Does it get any easier, the days  in between do, but those special days, your birthday, my birthday,  fathers day, Christmas and the 9th August still bring me to tears.

I remember that day like it was yesterday, the seconds move forward in slow motion.  The sounds, images, words and the people with me, so vivid.  My brothers voice, so strange, what’s wrong with him, then screaming, frightened children running.  Repeatedly writing and writing to leach it from me, but still it stays, will that day always remain with me, so strong.  The funeral I was unable to attend, never really being able to say goodbye.  For weeks feeling like a part of me was missing, your being like a phantom pain in an amputated limb.  I’d wake up in the morning , and for a second everything was normal, until I remembered.

You were only 61, so much ahead of you, seeing your grandchildren arrive into this world, and grow to the wonderful young men and woman they are becoming.  Your retirement after all those years working to provide for your family, time for just you and Mum.  A massive heart attack in your sleep, the only mercy was that you felt no pain, I’m grateful for that.  There were police there, I hated that, it felt so….dirty, but it had to be, a sudden unexplained death.

I do prefer my happy memories though of a very wonderful father, and there are so many more of them, you were funny, intelligent, charming, cheeky and very loving and affectionate.  A wonderful chess opponent, but a terrible dance partner, remember the French’s wedding, you trampled all over my feet, you were shocking, but I still loved dancing with you, I was so proud.  I remembered you singing in church, how could anyone forget, Cath asked you to stop, she was an embarrassed teenager, but you just said, “God gave me this voice, he deserves to listen to it”.  I loved watching you playing conductor to your much loved classical music, when you thought no one was watching.   And whenever I hear Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, I think of you. You made everyone around you feel important and special, you had such a natural way with people.  You inspired us all, to be kind and loving and loyal and to work hard at everything we do, and I see who you were, in little parts, in my kids everyday.

We all still miss you, myself, Dave, Ted, John, Jen and Cath, but we talk of you often and those memories bring us great happiness and tears of  joy.  You have lots of grandchildren, five girls and eight boys, they’re growing up quickly and very soon you’re to be a great grandfather, a little girl is on the way.  The due date, your birthday.  We”re all so looking forward to that.  Mum can’t wait to be a great grandmother.  I planted a tree for you, I wanted an Elder, but couldn’t get one, so I planted an Oak instead.  It’s growing tall, lush and strong, and I like sitting under it and thinking of you.  I’ve felt you many times, when I’m talking to you and I hear your laugh, when you come to me in my dreams, I can’t believe we don’t live on.  And when I’m old, very old after a long and happy life, with my children, grandchildren and maybe if I’m really lucky great grandchildren, I look forward to being with you again.

All those good memories and mostly good days, I love that, I love that it’s getting easier.  I love that the good memories now outweigh the bad one.

God rest you, my beautiful and wonderful Dad.  Shine brightly.

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