The Observations and Obsessions of a Superego's Sidekick

For John

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“I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks…….”~William Shakespeare.

I had my last therapy session today, and I have mixed feelings.  A little sadness for an ending, very few of us embrace change easily, but I am certain that though my journey in your safe and inspiring presence has ended, I will continue to grow in my own loving care. My journey hasn’t ended, it is transitioning to a new phase and as my life moves forward, I meet many other transitions and I think I’m going to be just fine.

I’m thankful for the space, the tools and awareness and the ability to transcend beyond that awareness to a place of contentment and strength and growth.  I’m thankful for your humour, your wisdom and for pushing me just a little bit further than I thought I could stand.  For the safety and trust you inspired, when I was at my lowest and stripped raw.  I’m thankful for all the wonderful prose that brought tears to my eyes, not from sadness but from resonance.  And finally I’m thankful, for your teaching me, that I’m not alone.  That there is safety in numbers and there is always somewhere to turn.

I’ve learnt that forgiveness for me is not about accepting and condoning someone else’s actions or words, but in no longer giving them power over me.  That my greatest demons weren’t my past, but myself, all that pain, shame, guilt, grief and anger turned in on me, till all I could see was a worthless, loveless, hateful tortured soul.  Unworthy of any love or happiness.  A mask of acceptance to the world, yet inside a seething mass of self hatred.  I’m free from that today and if I ever feel myself turning in again, I have my toolbox, mindfulness, meditation, self hypnosis and breathing.  Concentrate on the breathing and mind follows till I can centre myself again and move on.  That which ails and troubles us, is not from without, but within and only we can make those changes.  It’s not our past or events or people that bring us to our knees, but how we process and internalize and turn that against ourselves.  External factors are not our enemy, but our mind can be, and it’s vital we make peace with her.

My last words to you, John was that you’ve given me back my freedom, something I haven’t had since my childhood.  The freedom to take risks, the freedom to say no, the freedom to not have to make apologies for my choices and finally the freedom to get to know and love the me that is, still slightly broken but oh so lovable and so worthy of everything life will offer and no longer seeking the need for approval or acceptance.

Happiness today for me is the simple pleasures in life, mesmerizing stargazing; playing the piano; making time for relaxation; gazing at a beautiful scene or image; beautiful flowers; wonderful memories, and looking to the past only as it makes us happy and reconnecting and touching base with my dear friends.

Thank you John, for helping me to make this all my reality.

And now I think it is time for a song dedication, I know just the right thing, how about a little James Blunt.  Yes!!  No, ok I can hear the moans and groans from here.  So that won’t do.  Well then how about that infectious and boppy Pharrell Williams song, Happy.  It seems appropriate and it’s playing away in the background as I write this.  Farewell for now.  So how about that certificate now.

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