Even today depression seems to be a no go area, people don’t want to talk about it, and a lot of people don’t really even understand it fully. Comments like “buck up”, or “cheer up, things aren’t that bad”, while well meaning, aren’t helpful. If I could choose to laugh and smile and live a life full of joy and wonder, if it were as simple as that, I’d do it, anything as far away to what I’m feeling now, would be preferable, but I’m stuck, I’m lost and I’m frightened.
I’ve had depressive episodes in the past, but nothing compared to the despair I’ve been feeling over the last 7-8 weeks, and it’s been steadily growing. And I’ve never felt more alone or isolated, more unable to cope or function at anywhere near my usual capacity. And the thoughts inside my head were becoming more and more frightening. The loneliness and isolation has been my own doing, a lot of the time I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, other times, well no one’s a mind reader and I chose to pull back and respect boundaries. And smile, when others are around, no one wants to be around a misery.
You know my dreams were simple, I’d fall in love with someone I liked and respected and wanted to spend time with and they would feel the same, I’d have children, enough money to pay bills and a few luxuries, and the space and support to follow my dreams. No different I would imagine to anyone else. But a lot of that is slipping away and I find my life has lost definition and direction. I’ve let a lot of things slide of late, my piano lessons, book club, trips to town all gone and the course I’d started and loved at present feels like a noose around my neck. I’m at point in it where I’m not moving forward and had considered stopping, but then I’d have nothing to get up for in the mornings.
Those thoughts I mentioned, of paranoia and hopelessness, reached a terrifying peak recently and I made a decision to go to my doctor, a wonderful man who over the last 23 years has seen me through 4 difficult pregnancies, depression and illness. I sat in his office and cried for an hour, let everything out, and he listened. The anti-depressants, I’m not sure about, I’m not one for pills, I even think twice before I take paracetamol, but he knows my views and is not one to prescribe easily, so I took on board his advice and started. After the first day I felt dopey, by the second day I was catatonic, not at all what I wanted, but at least I hadn’t cried in 2 days. I’ve cut the dose in half now, but I’m still not sure that’s the answer, I don’t like these side effects, spinning rooms, dizziness, dulled emotions, tiredness, but I was told they should go away, I’ll give it a bit of time.
This morning I thought of my blog again, and maybe, just maybe it would give me the chance to talk, let out my thoughts instead of bottling them up. Maybe give me some perspective and help me find my way again. And it will give me something else to get up in the morning for. Baby steps.