We come to end of another year, and find ourselves reviewing what 2012 has been for us. For me it’s been nothing like I expected, but therein lies the problem, I have too many expectations. I planned and forgot to live. I was looking at my last New Years resolution message to my friends, my wish was to be more spontaneous and open to so many possibilities, but more often I’ve found myself crippled with doubts and inadequacies. It’s not all bad though, I took two huge leaps into the unknown, I walked away from comfort and support each Wednesday morning, in an effort to find courage and strength from within and occasionally I was Lunarcy with a capital L, but more often I was ahem, hello I’m here, won’t someone look at me lunarcy. The second was an exciting but terribly scary return to being a student. Part of my studies have been a deeply personal assessment, dredging through the past to find the real me. But in truth I started this journey nearly four years ago, and by god a lot of what I found hurt, but when I think of the me before that, the girl with the veneer of normal, functioning and in control, I much prefer the imperfect Lunarcy.
I started writing this blog, firstly to fulfil a dream but most importantly to be able to express my thoughts and feelings because verbal expression has always been difficult, even at times with my closest of friends. But I lost focus and tried so hard to be good, that I forgot to be me, raw and honest. My own style, my own way! I’ve just recently been reminded of that. Some of my favourite discussions are those of the midnight variety, where honesty and affection abounds, and where the most liberating and delicious of life’s lessons take hold.
I don’t need approval!! How right and how real that sits with me, and I know in my heart it’s not necessary to look for it, because in being me, a joyful, free and loving me, it’s given freely and unconditionally from all those I love and hold dear.
21st December 2012 looms, the Winter Solstice or the Wiccan holiday of Yule, to others there are different connotations, I like to think a new energy is coming into the world, and between 11 and 11.10am, when the calendar changes (or so I’ve been informed) put all your hopes, desires and dreams out there. I’ve a feeling 2013 is going to be a very lucky year.
Of course, a little part of me thinks that Mayan calendar guy all those thousands of years ago, just got sick of writing 19th December 2012, 20th December 2012, 21st December 2012, put down his writing implement and said sod this, let them write their own damn calendar.
So this is going out, unedited, un-reworked, un-request feedbacked, un-left in the drafts, whilst I build up the courage, just me and my thoughts. I like it!!